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| |heading = WARNING!
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| |message = ''This article or section might seem unreal, unserious, and possibly offensive.''
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| {{Infobox religion | | {{Infobox religion |
| | name = Callistostarianism | | | name = Callistostarianism |
| | caption_background = | | | caption_background = |
| | image = cross.png | | | image = 420.png |
| | imagewidth = | | | imagewidth = |
| | imagealttext = | | | imagealttext = |
| | caption = The Circle, the symbol of group of Sapphire, with a Cross over, representing Callisto. | | | caption = |
| | abbreviation = | | | abbreviation = |
| | type = Polytheistic | | | type = |
| | main_classification = | | | main_classification = |
| | orientation = | | | orientation = |
| | scripture = Callisto Dialogues, Texts of HUEHUEHUE | | | scripture = [[Callisto Dialogues]] |
| | theology = | | | theology = |
| | polity = | | | polity = |
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| | structure = | | | structure = |
| | leader/moderator = | | | leader/moderator = |
| | leader = [[Bryan]] (Head Priest) | | | leader = |
| | director = | | | director = |
| | fellowships = | | | fellowships = |
| | associations = | | | associations = |
| | area = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | area = |
| | headquarters = | | | headquarters = |
| | founder = [[Callisto]] | | | founder = [[Callisto]] |
| | founded_date = April 20, 2013 | | | founded_date = April 20, 2013 |
| | founded_place = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | founded_place = |
| | separated_from = | | | separated_from = |
| | parent = | | | parent = |
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| | congregations = | | | congregations = |
| | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> | | | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> |
| | ministers = Callistostarian Priests | | | ministers = Callistostarian scribes |
| | missionaries = | | | missionaries = |
| | temples = Located in Sapphire's TeamSpeak3 | | | temples = |
| | primary_schools = | | | primary_schools = |
| | secondary_schools = | | | secondary_schools = |
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| | publications = | | | publications = |
| | website = | | | website = |
| | holidays = [[Callistover]] | | | holidays = |
| }} | | }} |
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| '''Callistostarianism''' is a loosely defined polytheistic religion typically related to a collection of doctrines described over several holy scriptures. It recognizes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most well-known supergiants and [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most well-known giants. | | '''Callistostarianism''' is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of [[Callisto]]. The keepers of his teachings are known as Callistostarians. The teacher Callisto has been observed and recognized across the world on various online platforms. |
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| == Callisto Dialogues ==
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| ''Italics represent Callisto's words accompanied by a glorious, soothing background music.''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''The group laughs.'''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Callisto attempts to talk but is not heard.'''
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| *[[Bryan]]: Guys, I think Callisto is trying to say something.
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| *''No I wasn't, don't mind me!.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: I don't understand, who is that?
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *[[Brandon]]: I still don't understand.
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| *''What is it?''
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| *[[Mike]]: Callisto is Callisto.
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *[[Funky]]: That sounds like it's from an anime!
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| *''You sound like you're from an anime.''
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| *''[[Cydax]] wants me to tell you how fabulous he is.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *to Cydax: ''why should I lie?''
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| *Funky: Callisto, turn off your background music.
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| *''No.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *[[Jimmy]]: Hi I'm Callisto! (imitating Callisto)
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| *''I'm not Callisto. You're Callisto. But if you're Callisto, then who's this Callisto right here because I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Brandon: That has to be a voice changer.
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| *''This isn't a voice changer. I'm just as human as you are.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Funky: He's scaring me..
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| *''When people are scared, they cling to failure.''
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| *Brandon: That's definitely a voice changer.
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| *''Maybe I think you're using a voice changer.''
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| *Cydax types to Callisto: Callisto, I don't think that's your real name.
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| *''No, I'm pretty sure my name is Callisto.''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *[[Weyrt]]: Callisto, do you suck Cydax's dick for money?
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| *''What dick?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Bryan: Callisto's scaring me.
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| *''You're welcome.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto will you make love to me?
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| *''No''.
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| *Unknown: Please?
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| *''No.''
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| *Unknown: Why not?
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| *''Because.''
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| *A few moments pass.
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| *''I guess this server can finally become the People's Republic of Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''All my plans are coming to fruition.''
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| *t3sla: Are you using Microsoft Callisto?
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| *''It's not Microsoft Callisto, it's just Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: It's JESUS Callisto.
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| *''But, you aren't the first person to say I sound like Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''What's up bro!''
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| *Funky: Who left? Was it Callisto?
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| *''No, it was Jimmy and t3sla.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''I would know, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *Weyrt: It's gotta be Cydax.
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| *Mike: It is Cydax. You can see in the chat-oh, that's Callisto (shocked).
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| *''Im not Cydax, I'm Callisto.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have a question.
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| *Bryan: Ask the Callisto anything.
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| *''That's right, ask me anything.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto, will you tussle my hair?
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| *''No.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have two questions.
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| *''What are you two questions?''
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| *Mike: Will you go on a date with me, and why not?
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| *''No. Why?''
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| *Mike: Where did this guy find our channel?
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| *''I came here from the Public Server List.''
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| *Funky: Quickly ban him! He's a government spy!
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| *''No! Why?''
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| *Bryan: Callisto, do you work like a crystal ball?
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| *''No.''
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| *Weyrt: I imagine Callisto looking like Wisp from DotA2.
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| *''Who?''
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| *Weyrt: Wisp.
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| *Unknown: Are you a crystal ball Callisto?
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| *''Are you?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Mike: I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL.
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| *''I don't have balls of steel.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: Callisto has balls of Callisto, let's be real here.
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| *''That's right, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *''What's your question Cydax?''
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| *Cydax typing to Callisto: What is Callisto made of?
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| *''Callisto is made of Callisto, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Bryan: Callisto, I'm the first Callistostarian priest!
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| *''That's neat.''
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| *Funky: Hey Callisto, are you Coconut head?
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| *''Im sorry, what?''
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| *Funky: Yeah that's what I thought faggot, you don't watch Ned's Declassified.
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| *Bryan: Who's Callisto reincarnation?
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| *''Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| == Main doctrine ==
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| The main doctrine of Callistostarianism describes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most recognized supergiants. '''Neptilian giants''' refer to a race of giants that come from the planet Neptile following the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most recognized Neptilian giants.
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| == Callisto doctrine ==
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| Callisto is a major deity, or '''supergiant''', in Callistostariamism. According to his ideals, he is so great that he is not only Callisto, but that he is ''made'' of Callisto.
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| According to His words, Callisto:
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| *is Callisto
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| *is made of Callisto
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| *has balls of Callisto
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| == Hueist-Kekist doctrine ==
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| Hueism-Kekism refer to loyalty to a tribe of '''Neptilian giants'''. Master & Challengers are tribes of Giants who are searching for their own answers to ''balance''. There is another tribe, the Developers, who are not typically associated with any side.
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| === The Incident ===
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| The Incident refers to the collision of Earth and Neptile (the home planet of the Neptilian giants), which ultimately wiped out most of the Neptilian giants, except for a few tribes (Masters, Challengers, Developers).
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| === The Masters ===
| | Callisto, the namesake of these teachings, visits TeamSpeak servers such as '''[[Sapphire's TeamSpeak]]''' and enlightens his audiences. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music. |
| The Masters are one of the tribes of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
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| ==== Gatzi Almighty ==== | | == Teachings of Callisto == |
| ''See [[Gatzi Almighty]] for full article.''
| | The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto. |
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| [[Gatzi Almighty]], full name '''Gatzi John Derek Gatzbee Bon Jovi Almighty''', also known as '''Gat Almighty''' or just '''Gat''', is the current leader of the Masters and a Neptilian giant. | | === 2013 Teachings === |
| | The 2013 Teachings can be found within the [[Callisto Dialogues]]. |
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| ==== Høl ====
| | *Callisto is Callisto |
| The Masters punish people by ''smote-ing them ta høl!''. Høl is not the best place to be.
| | *Callisto is made of Callisto |
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| === The Challengers === | | === 2014 Teachings === |
| The Challengers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
| | In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his teachings. |
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| ==== Draven ==== | | ==== Biographical facts ==== |
| '''Draven''' is presumably one of the greatest Challenger warriors ever. The champion Draven in League of Legends was inspired by Draven himself. Some know him as the '''D-Stroyer'''. | | *Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music. |
| | *Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione. |
| | *Callisto has encountered THC and does every [[Callistover]]. |
| | *Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting. |
| | *Callisto has this very page bookmarked. |
| | *Callisto (material) is stronger than steel. |
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| === The Developers === | | ==== Philosophical ideas ==== |
| The Developers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. Not much is known about the Developers per se, however, they have brought many great modern technologies into the world such as computers and the Internet. It is rumored that a Developer ''carries the weight of the Internet'' on his own two hands. The Developers are also the inventors of Blitzcrank and the [[International Blitzcrank Scoring System]].
| | *"Life has no answer. You have to find your own." |
| | *Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there. |
| | *"Implying implications." |
| | *"I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble." |
| | *"Humility is not to be confused with truth." |
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| == Known Callistostarians == | | == Known Clergy == |
| *[[Bryan]] | | *'''[[Bryan]]''' - ''Scribe'', ''Priestly Representative'' on behalf of [[Sapphire]] |
| *[[t3sla]]
| | *'''The Messenger''' - ''Mediator'' |
| *[[Mike]]
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| *[[Cydax]]
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| *[[Brandon]]
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| *[[Jeremy]] | |
| *[[Creasingwolf]]
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Callistostarianism is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of Callisto. The keepers of his teachings are known as Callistostarians. The teacher Callisto has been observed and recognized across the world on various online platforms.
Callisto, the namesake of these teachings, visits TeamSpeak servers such as Sapphire's TeamSpeak and enlightens his audiences. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music.
Teachings of Callisto
The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto.
2013 Teachings
The 2013 Teachings can be found within the Callisto Dialogues.
- Callisto is Callisto
- Callisto is made of Callisto
2014 Teachings
In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his teachings.
Biographical facts
- Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music.
- Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione.
- Callisto has encountered THC and does every Callistover.
- Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting.
- Callisto has this very page bookmarked.
- Callisto (material) is stronger than steel.
Philosophical ideas
- "Life has no answer. You have to find your own."
- Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there.
- "Implying implications."
- "I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble."
- "Humility is not to be confused with truth."
Known Clergy
- Bryan - Scribe, Priestly Representative on behalf of Sapphire
- The Messenger - Mediator
