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| |heading = WARNING!
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| |message = ''This article or section might seem unreal, unserious, and possibly offensive.''
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| {{Infobox religion | | {{Infobox religion |
| | name = Callistostarianism | | | name = Callistostarianism |
| | caption_background = | | | caption_background = |
| | image = cross.png | | | image = 420.png |
| | imagewidth = | | | imagewidth = |
| | imagealttext = | | | imagealttext = |
| | caption = The Circle, the symbol of group of Sapphire, with a Cross over, representing Callisto. | | | caption = |
| | abbreviation = | | | abbreviation = |
| | type = Polytheistic | | | type = |
| | main_classification = | | | main_classification = |
| | orientation = | | | orientation = |
| | scripture = Callisto Dialogues, Texts of HUEHUEHUE | | | scripture = [[Callisto Dialogues]] |
| | theology = | | | theology = |
| | polity = | | | polity = |
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| | structure = | | | structure = |
| | leader/moderator = | | | leader/moderator = |
| | leader = [[Bryan]] (Head Priest) | | | leader = |
| | director = | | | director = |
| | fellowships = | | | fellowships = |
| | associations = | | | associations = |
| | area = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | area = |
| | headquarters = | | | headquarters = |
| | founder = [[Callisto]] | | | founder = [[Callisto]] |
| | founded_date = April 20, 2013 | | | founded_date = April 20, 2013 |
| | founded_place = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | founded_place = |
| | separated_from = | | | separated_from = |
| | parent = | | | parent = |
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| | congregations = | | | congregations = |
| | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> | | | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> |
| | ministers = Callistostarian Priests | | | ministers = Callistostarian scribes |
| | missionaries = | | | missionaries = |
| | temples = Located in Sapphire's TeamSpeak3 | | | temples = |
| | primary_schools = | | | primary_schools = |
| | secondary_schools = | | | secondary_schools = |
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| | publications = | | | publications = |
| | website = | | | website = |
| | holidays = [[Callistover]], [[Callistmas]] | | | holidays = |
| }} | | }} |
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| '''Callistostarianism''' is a loosely defined polytheistic religion, practiced in [[Sapphire]], typically related to a collection of doctrines described over several holy scriptures. It recognizes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''demigiants''' (those related either paternally or maternally, but not both, to a giant), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most well-known supergiants and [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most well-known giants. | | '''Callistostarianism''' is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of [[Callisto]]. The keepers of his teachings are known as Callistostarians. The teacher Callisto has been observed and recognized across the world on various online platforms. |
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| == Known Deities ==
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| {| class="wikitable"
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| !colspan="1"|Deity
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| !colspan="1"|Associated with
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| !colspan="1"|Race
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| !colspan="1"|Also known as
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| |-
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| |[[Callisto]]
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| |Greatness, Holiness
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| |Supergiant
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| |Callipso
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| |-
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| |[[Gatzi Almighty]]
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| |Cunningness
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| |Giant
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| |Gad, Gat
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| |-
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| |[[Gabe Newell]]
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| |Obesity
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| |Demigiant
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| |GabeN
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| |-
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| |Jebhohba
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| |Unknown
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| |Yahweh, Jehova
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| |-
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| |Draven
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| |Swag
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| |Giant
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| |Based God?
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| |-
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| |}
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| | |
| == Callisto Dialogues ==
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| ''Italics represent Callisto's words accompanied by a glorious, soothing background music.''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''The group laughs.'''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *'''Callisto attempts to talk but is not heard.'''
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| *[[Bryan]]: Guys, Callisto is trying to say something.
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| *''No I wasn't, don't mind me!.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: I don't understand, who is that?
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *[[Funky]]: I am Callisto (imitating Callisto).
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| *[[Brandon]]: The fuck is Callisto supposed to-I don't understand.
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| *Mike: It's Callisto.
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| *Brandon: Who the fuck is Callisto?
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| *Weyrt: You don't need to understand.
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| *''What is it?''
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| *Unknown: There's nothing to understand, Callisto is god!
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| *Brandon: If I don't already know, I don't need to know?
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| *[[Mike]]: Callisto is Callisto.
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *[[Funky]]: That sounds like it's from an anime!
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| *''You sound like you're from an anime.''
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| *Brandon: Is it like one of those things where if you don't know, you don't need to know?
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Funky: That sounds like some gay anime like where everything is all peaceful.
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| *Unknown: Holy fucking shit!
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| *''[[Cydax]] wants me to tell you how fabulous he is.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *to Cydax: ''why should I lie?''
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| *Weyrt: Dude, this has to be one of Cydax's friends.
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| *Jimmy: It's Cydax.
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| *Brandon: I don't understand.
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| *'''''Chatter about Cydax'''''.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Funky: Callisto only sounds cool because he has background music.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends/Cydax/background music'''''.
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| *Funky: Callisto, turn off your background music.
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| *''No.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Brandon: The music or something is awesome, I don't know what else...
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| *Weyrt: Callisto would you suck dick for money?
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| *Funky says something about a gay anime but is not heard.
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| *[[Jimmy]]: Hi I'm Callisto! (imitating Callisto)
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| *[[I'm not Callisto|'''''I'm not Callisto. You're Callisto. But if you're Callisto, then who's this Callisto right here because I'm Callisto.''''']]
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Mike: What? Stop.
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| *Bryan says something random about Reddit AMAs.
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| *Funky: Either he types really fast, or he's a good voice actor.
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| *Weyrt: Or he has a voice changer, derp.
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| *Mike: That's not a voice changer; there's no way any voice changer could ever do that.
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| *Brandon: That has to be a voice changer.
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| *''This isn't a voice changer. I'm just as human as you are.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Funky: He's scaring me..
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| *Brandon: It has to be a voice changer.
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| *Funky: No no no, no it's not. Because people can talk like that in animes and stuff.
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| *Brandon: Nah, it's gotta-there's no way-it's too amazing.
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| *Funky says something about anime.
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| *''When people are scared, they cling to failure.''
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| *Bryan: What anime has the like, what anime has a person who is saying that Cydax is fabulous? Like really.
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| *Brandon: The voice is too amazing for me.
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| *''None, that's for sure''.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Weyrt: Callisto is talking.
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| *''Maybe I think you're using a voice changer.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Cydax types to Callisto: Callisto, I don't think that's your real name.
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| *''No, I'm pretty sure my name is Callisto.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *Group laughs.
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| *[[Weyrt]]: Callisto, do you suck Cydax's dick for money?
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| *''What dick?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Bryan: Callisto's scaring me.
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| *''You're welcome.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto will you make love to me?
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| *''No''.
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| *Unknown (multiple): Please?
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| *''No.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto, can I have your dick?
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| *Unknown: Why not?
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| *''Because.''
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| *'''''Random chatter'''''.
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| *Mike: Callisto, you're the meaning to my life.
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| *Unknown: Guys guys, we're starting a new religion. We are now worshiping Callisto.
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| *A few moments pass.
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| *''Something.''
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| *''Something.''
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| *''I guess this server can finally become the People's Republic of Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''All my plans are coming to fruition.''
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| *Unknown: Who says fruition?
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| *Unknown: The background music makes it so hard..
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| *Brandon: No, it makes me hard.
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| *Unknown: It makes you moist.
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| *Silence.
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| *Brandon: It's so moist.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *t3sla: Are you using Microsoft Callisto?
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| *''It's not Microsoft Callisto, it's just Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: It's JESUS Callisto.
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| *''But, you aren't the first person to say I sound like Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: I'm sure if Jesus came down today, it would be in the manifestation of Callisto.
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| *''What's up bro?''
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| *Funky: Who left? Callisto?
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| *''No, it was Jimmy and t3sla.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''I would know, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *Weyrt: It's gotta be Cydax.
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| *Mike: It is Cydax. You can see in the chat-oh, that's Callisto (shocked).
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| *''Im not Cydax, I'm Callisto.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have a question.
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| *Bryan: Ask the Callisto anything.
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| *''That's right, ask me anything.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto, will you tussle my hair?
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| *''No.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have two questions.
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| *''What are you two questions?''
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| *Mike: Will you go on a date with me, and why not?
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| *''No. Why?''
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| *'''''Chatter about recording'''''.
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| *Mike: Where did this guy find our channel?
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| *''I came here from the Public Server List.''
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| *Funky: Quickly ban him! He's a government spy!
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| *''No! Why?''
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| *Bryan: If you ban him, you'll get killed.
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| *Unknown: The New Republic of Callisto is rising. Beware.
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| *Bryan: Callisto, do you work like a crystal ball?
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| *''No.''
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| *Weyrt: I imagine Callisto looking like Wisp from DotA2.
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| *''Who?''
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| *Weyrt: Wisp.
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| *''Who?''
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| *Unknown: Are you a crystal ball Callisto?
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| *''Are you?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Mike: I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL.
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| *''I don't have balls of steel.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: Callisto has balls of Callisto, let's be real here.
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| *''That's right, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *Intermission.
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| *''What's your question Cydax?''
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| *Cydax typing to Callisto: What is Callisto made of?
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| *''Callisto is made of Callisto, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Bryan: Callisto, I'm the first Callistostarian priest!
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| *''That's neat.''
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| *Unknown: I'm the second.
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| *Funky: Hey Callisto, are you Coconut head?
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| *''Im sorry, what?''
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| *Funky: Yeah that's what I thought faggot, you don't watch Ned's Declassified, do you?
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| *Bryan: Who's Callisto reincarnation?
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| *''Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| == Main doctrine ==
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| The main doctrine of Callistostarianism describes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''demigiants''' (half-human, half-giants), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most recognized supergiants. '''Neptilian giants''' refer to a group of giants that come from the planet Neptile following the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most recognized Neptilian giants.
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| == Callisto doctrine ==
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| ''See [[Callisto]] for the full article.''
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| Callisto is a major deity, or '''supergiant''', in Callistostariamism. According to his ideals, he is so great that he is not only Callisto, but that he is ''made'' of Callisto.
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| According to His words, Callisto:
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| *is Callisto
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| *is made of Callisto
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| *has balls of Callisto
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| == Hueist-Kekist doctrine ==
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| Hueism-Kekism refer to loyalty to a tribe of '''Neptilian giants'''. Master & Challengers are tribes of Giants who are searching for their own answers to ''balance''. There is another tribe, the Developers, who are not typically associated with any side.
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| === The Incident ===
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| The Incident refers to the collision of Earth and Neptile (the home planet of the Neptilian giants), which ultimately wiped out most of the Neptilian giants, except for a few tribes (Masters, Challengers, Developers).
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| === The Masters ===
| | Callisto, the namesake of these teachings, visits TeamSpeak servers such as '''[[Sapphire's TeamSpeak]]''' and enlightens his audiences. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music. |
| The Masters are one of the tribes of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
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| ==== Gatzi Almighty ==== | | == Teachings of Callisto == |
| ''See [[Gatzi Almighty]] for the full article.''
| | The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto. |
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| [[Gatzi Almighty]], full name '''Gatzi Jhon Derek Gadzy Gatzbee James Gatz Jay Gatsby Bon Jovi Almighty''', also known as '''Gat Almighty''' or just '''Gat''', is the current leader of the Masters and a Neptilian giant. | | === 2013 Teachings === |
| | The 2013 Teachings can be found within the [[Callisto Dialogues]]. |
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| ==== Høl ====
| | *Callisto is Callisto |
| The Masters punish people by ''smote-ing them ta høl!''. Høl is not the best place to be.
| | *Callisto is made of Callisto |
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| === The Challengers === | | === 2014 Teachings === |
| The Challengers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
| | In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his teachings. |
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| ==== Draven ==== | | ==== Biographical facts ==== |
| '''Draven''' is presumably one of the greatest Challenger warriors ever. The champion Draven in League of Legends was inspired by Draven himself. Some know him as the '''D-Stroyer'''. | | *Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music. |
| | *Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione. |
| | *Callisto has encountered THC and does every [[Callistover]]. |
| | *Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting. |
| | *Callisto has this very page bookmarked. |
| | *Callisto (material) is stronger than steel. |
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| === The Developers === | | ==== Philosophical ideas ==== |
| The Developers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. Not much is known about the Developers per se, however, they have brought many great modern technologies into the world such as computers and the Internet. It is rumored that a Developer ''carries the weight of the Internet'' on his own two hands. The Developers are also the inventors of Blitzcrank and the [[International Blitzcrank Scoring System]].
| | *"Life has no answer. You have to find your own." |
| | *Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there. |
| | *"Implying implications." |
| | *"I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble." |
| | *"Humility is not to be confused with truth." |
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| == Known Callistostarians == | | == Known Clergy == |
| *[[Bryan]] | | *'''[[Bryan]]''' - ''Scribe'', ''Priestly Representative'' on behalf of [[Sapphire]] |
| *[[t3sla]]
| | *'''The Messenger''' - ''Mediator'' |
| *[[Mike]]
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| *[[Cydax]]
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| *[[Brandon]]
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| *[[Jeremy]] | |
| *[[Creasingwolf]]
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