Callistostarianism: Difference between revisions

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|halign =
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|image  = Gem.png
|heading = WARNING!
|message = ''This article or section might seem unreal, unserious, and possibly offensive.''
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{{Infobox religion
{{Infobox religion
| name                = Callistostarianism
| name                = Callistostarianism
| caption_background  =  
| caption_background  =  
| image              = circle.png
| image              = 420.png
| imagewidth          =  
| imagewidth          =  
| imagealttext        =  
| imagealttext        =  
| caption            = The Circle, with many layers
| caption            =  
| abbreviation        =  
| abbreviation        =  
| type                =  
| type                =  
| main_classification =  
| main_classification =  
| orientation        =  
| orientation        =  
| scripture          = [[Callisto Dialogues=]]
| scripture          = [[Callisto Dialogues]]
| theology            =
| theology            =
| polity              =  
| polity              =  
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| fellowships        =  
| fellowships        =  
| associations        =  
| associations        =  
| area                = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]]
| area                =  
| headquarters        =
| headquarters        =
| founder            = [[Callisto]]
| founder            = [[Callisto]]
| founded_date        = April 20, 2013
| founded_date        = April 20, 2013
| founded_place      = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]]
| founded_place      =
| separated_from      =  
| separated_from      =  
| parent              =  
| parent              =  
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| congregations      =  
| congregations      =  
| members            = <!-- or | number_of_followers = -->
| members            = <!-- or | number_of_followers = -->
| ministers          = Callistostarian Priests
| ministers          = Callistostarian scribes
| missionaries        =
| missionaries        =
| temples            = Sapphire's TeamSpeak3
| temples            =  
| primary_schools    =  
| primary_schools    =  
| secondary_schools  =  
| secondary_schools  =  
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| publications        =  
| publications        =  
| website            =  
| website            =  
| holidays            = [[Callistover]]
| holidays            =
}}
}}


'''Callistostarianism''' is a religion, philosophy, and spirituality practiced in [[Sapphire]], usually related to a collection of doctrines described over several holy scriptures. Typically it is practiced by religious refugees in Sapphire. [[Callisto]] is a humble being that visits TeamSpeak servers talking about Himself. He is usually found talking with his Majestic, angelic music is the background. He can go to different "ranges" which means changing voice pitch and music.
'''Callistostarianism''' is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of [[Callisto]]. The keepers of his teachings are known as Callistostarians. The teacher Callisto has been observed and recognized across the world on various online platforms.


== Structure ==
Callisto, the namesake of these teachings, visits TeamSpeak servers such as '''[[Sapphire's TeamSpeak]]''' and enlightens his audiences. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music.
{| class="wikitable"
!colspan="1"|Deity
!colspan="1"|Associated with
!colspan="1"|Race
!colspan="1"|Also known as
|-
| align="center" |
[[Callisto]]
|Greatness, Holiness
|Supergiant
|Callipso
|-
| align="center" | [[File:Gat.jpg|100px]]
[[Gatzi Almighty]]
|Cunningness
|Giant
|Gad, Gat
|-
| align="center" | [[File:Gabe.jpg|100px]]
[[Gabe Newell]]
|Obesity
|Demigiant
|GabeN
|-
| align="center" |
[[Peecock]]
|Majesty
|Demigiant
|
|-
|}


== Teachings of Callisto ==  
== Teachings of Callisto ==
The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto.
 
=== 2013 Teachings ===
The 2013 Teachings can be found within the [[Callisto Dialogues]].


=== According to Callisto's 2013 Teachings ===
*Callisto is Callisto
*Callisto is Callisto
*Callisto is made of Callisto
*Callisto is made of Callisto
*Callisto has balls of Callisto


=== According to Callisto's 2014 Teachings ===
=== 2014 Teachings ===
*Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning he can change voice pitch and background music
In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his teachings.
*Callisto is stronger than steel
 
*Callisto has a 6 inch dick
==== Biographical facts ====
*Callisto is an average Caucasian male
*Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music.
*Callisto's name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione
*Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione.
*Callisto prefers Jews gassy over Cydax's undercooked (no offense)
*Callisto has encountered THC and does every [[Callistover]].
*Callisto is between 5'11 and 6'0
*Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting.
*Callisto is heterosexual
*Callisto has this very page bookmarked.
*Callisto lives in Kentucky
*Callisto (material) is stronger than steel.
*Callisto recommends asking a local black man if one is looking for drugs
 
*Callisto has encountered THC and does every [[Callistover]]
==== Philosophical ideas ====
*Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting
*"Life has no answer. You have to find your own."
*Callisto has this very page bookmarked
*Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there.
*"Implying implications."
*"I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble."
*"Humility is not to be confused with truth."


== Callisto Dialogues (2013) ==
== Known Clergy ==
''Italics represent Callisto's words accompanied by a glorious, soothing background music.''
*'''[[Bryan]]''' - ''Scribe'', ''Priestly Representative'' on behalf of [[Sapphire]]
*''I'm Callisto.''
*'''The Messenger''' - ''Mediator''
*'''The group laughs.'''
*''I'm Callisto.''
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*'''Callisto attempts to talk but is not heard.'''
*[[Bryan]]: Guys, Callisto is trying to say something.
*''No I wasn't, don't mind me!.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Unknown: I don't understand, who is that?
*''I'm Callisto.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*[[Funky]]: I am Callisto (imitating Callisto).
*[[Brandon]]: The fuck is Callisto supposed to-I don't understand.
*Mike: It's Callisto.
*Brandon: Who the fuck is Callisto?
*Weyrt: You don't need to understand.
*''What is it?''
*Unknown: There's nothing to understand, Callisto is god!
*Brandon: If I don't already know, I don't need to know?
*[[Mike]]: Callisto is Callisto.
*''I'm Callisto.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*[[Funky]]: That sounds like it's from an anime!
*''You sound like you're from an anime.''
*Brandon: Is it like one of those things where if you don't know, you don't need to know?
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*Funky: That sounds like some gay anime like where everything is all peaceful.
*Unknown: Holy fucking shit!
*''[[Cydax]] wants me to tell you how fabulous he is.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*to Cydax: ''why should I lie?''
*Weyrt: Dude, this has to be one of Cydax's friends.
*Jimmy: It's Cydax.
*Brandon: I don't understand.
*'''''Chatter about Cydax'''''.
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*Funky: Callisto only sounds cool because he has background music.
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends/Cydax/background music'''''.
*Funky: Callisto, turn off your background music.
*''No.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Brandon: The music or something is awesome, I don't know what else...
*Weyrt: Callisto would you suck dick for money?
*Funky says something about a gay anime but is not heard.
*[[Jimmy]]: Hi I'm Callisto! (imitating Callisto)
*[[I'm not Callisto|'''''I'm not Callisto. You're Callisto. But if you're Callisto, then who's this Callisto right here because I'm Callisto.''''']]
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Mike: What? Stop.
*Bryan says something random about Reddit AMAs.
*Funky: Either he types really fast, or he's a good voice actor.
*Weyrt: Or he has a voice changer, derp.
*Mike: That's not a voice changer; there's no way any voice changer could ever do that.
*Brandon: That has to be a voice changer.
*''This isn't a voice changer. I'm just as human as you are.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Funky: He's scaring me..
*Brandon: It has to be a voice changer.
*Funky: No no no, no it's not. Because people can talk like that in animes and stuff.
*Brandon: Nah, it's gotta-there's no way-it's too amazing.
*Funky says something about anime.
*''When people are scared, they cling to failure.''
*Bryan: What anime has the like, what anime has a person who is saying that Cydax is fabulous? Like really.
*Brandon: The voice is too amazing for me.
*''None, that's for sure''.
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*Weyrt: Callisto is talking.
*''Maybe I think you're using a voice changer.''
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*Cydax types to Callisto: Callisto, I don't think that's your real name.
*''No, I'm pretty sure my name is Callisto.''
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*''I'm Callisto.''
*Group laughs.
*[[Weyrt]]: Callisto, do you suck Cydax's dick for money?
*''What dick?''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*Bryan: Callisto's scaring me.
*''You're welcome.''
*Unknown: Callisto will you make love to me?
*''No''.
*Unknown (multiple): Please?
*''No.''
*Unknown: Callisto, can I have your dick?
*Unknown: Why not?
*''Because.''
*'''''Random chatter'''''.
*Mike: Callisto, you're the meaning to my life.
*Unknown: Guys guys, we're starting a new religion. We are now worshiping Callisto.
*A few moments pass.
*''Something.''
*''Something.''
*''I guess this server can finally become the People's Republic of Callisto.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*''All my plans are coming to fruition.''
*Unknown: Who says fruition?
*Unknown: The background music makes it so hard..
*Brandon: No, it makes me hard.
*Unknown: It makes you moist.
*Silence.
*Brandon: It's so moist.
*'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
*t3sla: Are you using Microsoft Callisto?
*''It's not Microsoft Callisto, it's just Callisto.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Unknown: It's JESUS Callisto.
*''But, you aren't the first person to say I sound like Jesus.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Unknown: I'm sure if Jesus came down today, it would be in the manifestation of Callisto.
*''What's up bro?''
*Funky: Who left? Callisto?
*''No, it was Jimmy and t3sla.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*''I would know, because I'm Callisto.''
*Weyrt: It's gotta be Cydax.
*Mike: It is Cydax. You can see in the chat-oh, that's Callisto (shocked).
*''Im not Cydax, I'm Callisto.''
*Mike: Callisto, I have a question.
*Bryan: Ask the Callisto anything.
*''That's right, ask me anything.''
*Unknown: Callisto, will you tussle my hair?
*''No.''
*Mike: Callisto, I have two questions.
*''What are you two questions?''
*Mike: Will you go on a date with me, and why not?
*''No. Why?''
*'''''Chatter about recording'''''.
*Mike: Where did this guy find our channel?
*''I came here from the Public Server List.''
*Funky: Quickly ban him! He's a government spy!
*''No! Why?''
*Bryan: If you ban him, you'll get killed.
*Unknown: The New Republic of Callisto is rising. Beware.
*Bryan: Callisto, do you work like a crystal ball?
*''No.''
*Weyrt: I imagine Callisto looking like Wisp from DotA2.
*''Who?''
*Weyrt: Wisp.
*''Who?''
*Unknown: Are you a crystal ball Callisto?
*''Are you?''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Mike: I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL.
*''I don't have balls of steel.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Unknown: Callisto has balls of Callisto, let's be real here.
*''That's right, because I'm Callisto.''
*Intermission.
*''What's your question Cydax?''
*Cydax typing to Callisto: What is Callisto made of?
*''Callisto is made of Callisto, because I'm Callisto.''
*'''Group laughs.'''
*Bryan: Callisto, I'm the first Callistostarian priest!
*''That's neat.''
*Unknown: I'm the second.
*Funky: Hey Callisto, are you Coconut head?
*''Im sorry, what?''
*Funky: Yeah that's what I thought faggot, you don't watch Ned's Declassified, do you?
*Bryan: Who's Callisto reincarnation?
*''Jesus.''
*'''Group laughs.'''

Latest revision as of 08:54, 22 March 2020

Callistostarianism
Scripture Callisto Dialogues
Founder Callisto
Origin April 20, 2013
Ministers Callistostarian scribes

Callistostarianism is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of Callisto. The keepers of his teachings are known as Callistostarians. The teacher Callisto has been observed and recognized across the world on various online platforms.

Callisto, the namesake of these teachings, visits TeamSpeak servers such as Sapphire's TeamSpeak and enlightens his audiences. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music.

Teachings of Callisto

The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto.

2013 Teachings

The 2013 Teachings can be found within the Callisto Dialogues.

  • Callisto is Callisto
  • Callisto is made of Callisto

2014 Teachings

In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his teachings.

Biographical facts

  • Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music.
  • Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione.
  • Callisto has encountered THC and does every Callistover.
  • Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting.
  • Callisto has this very page bookmarked.
  • Callisto (material) is stronger than steel.

Philosophical ideas

  • "Life has no answer. You have to find your own."
  • Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there.
  • "Implying implications."
  • "I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble."
  • "Humility is not to be confused with truth."

Known Clergy

  • Bryan - Scribe, Priestly Representative on behalf of Sapphire
  • The Messenger - Mediator