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| |heading = WARNING!
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| |message = ''This article or section might seem unreal, unserious, and possibly offensive.''
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| {{Infobox religion | | {{Infobox religion |
| | name = Callistostarianism | | | name = Callistostarianism |
| | caption_background = | | | caption_background = |
| | image = cross.png | | | image = 420.png |
| | imagewidth = | | | imagewidth = |
| | imagealttext = | | | imagealttext = |
| | caption = The Circle, the symbol of group of Sapphire, with a Cross over, representing Callisto. | | | caption = |
| | abbreviation = | | | abbreviation = |
| | type = Polytheistic | | | type = |
| | main_classification = | | | main_classification = |
| | orientation = | | | orientation = |
| | scripture = Callisto Dialogues, Texts of HUEHUEHUE | | | scripture = [[Callisto Dialogues]] |
| | theology = | | | theology = |
| | polity = | | | polity = |
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| | structure = | | | structure = |
| | leader/moderator = | | | leader/moderator = |
| | leader = [[Bryan]] (Head Priest) | | | leader = |
| | director = | | | director = |
| | fellowships = | | | fellowships = |
| | associations = | | | associations = |
| | area = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | area = |
| | headquarters = | | | headquarters = |
| | founder = [[Callisto]] | | | founder = [[Callisto]] |
| | founded_date = April 20, 2013 | | | founded_date = |
| | founded_place = [[Sapphire's TeamSpeak3]] | | | founded_place = |
| | separated_from = | | | separated_from = |
| | parent = | | | parent = |
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| | congregations = | | | congregations = |
| | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> | | | members = <!-- or | number_of_followers = --> |
| | ministers = Callistostarian Priests | | | ministers = Callistostarian scribes |
| | missionaries = | | | missionaries = |
| | temples = Located in Sapphire's TeamSpeak3 | | | temples = |
| | primary_schools = | | | primary_schools = |
| | secondary_schools = | | | secondary_schools = |
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| | publications = | | | publications = |
| | website = | | | website = |
| | holidays = [[Callistover]], [[Callistmas]] | | | holidays = |
| }} | | }} |
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| '''Callistostarianism''' is a loosely defined polytheistic religion, practiced in [[Sapphire]], typically related to a collection of doctrines described over several holy scriptures. It recognizes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''demigiants''' (those related either paternally or maternally, but not both, to a giant), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most well-known supergiants and [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most well-known giants. | | '''Callistostarianism''', also known as '''Callistocism''', is a philosophy and way of life based on the teachings of [[Callisto]], who has been observed across the world on various online platforms, having been [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq-QIik6Ezo rejected] by some. |
| | |
| == Known Deities ==
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| {| class="wikitable"
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| !colspan="1"|Deity
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| !colspan="1"|Associated with
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| !colspan="1"|Race
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| !colspan="1"|Also known as
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| |-
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| |[[Callisto]]
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| |Greatness, Holiness
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| |Supergiant
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| |Callipso
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| |-
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| |[[Gatzi Almighty]]
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| |Cunningness
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| |Giant
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| |Gad, Gat
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| |-
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| |[[Gabe Newell]]
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| |Obesity
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| |Demigiant
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| |GabeN
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| |-
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| |Jebhohba
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| |Unknown
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| |Yahweh, Jehova
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| |-
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| |Draven
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| |Swag
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| |Giant
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| |Based God?
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| |-
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| |}
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| | |
| == Callisto Dialogues ==
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| ''Italics represent Callisto's words accompanied by a glorious, soothing background music.''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''The group laughs.'''
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *'''Callisto attempts to talk but is not heard.'''
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| *[[Bryan]]: Guys, Callisto is trying to say something.
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| *''No I wasn't, don't mind me!.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: I don't understand, who is that?
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *[[Funky]]: I am Callisto (imitating Callisto).
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| *[[Brandon]]: The fuck is Callisto supposed to-I don't understand.
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| *Mike: It's Callisto.
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| *Brandon: Who the fuck is Callisto?
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| *Weyrt: You don't need to understand.
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| *''What is it?''
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| *Unknown: There's nothing to understand, Callisto is god!
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| *Brandon: If I don't already know, I don't need to know?
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| *[[Mike]]: Callisto is Callisto.
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *[[Funky]]: That sounds like it's from an anime!
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| *''You sound like you're from an anime.''
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| *Brandon: Is it like one of those things where if you don't know, you don't need to know?
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Funky: That sounds like some gay anime like where everything is all peaceful.
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| *Unknown: Holy fucking shit!
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| *''[[Cydax]] wants me to tell you how fabulous he is.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *to Cydax: ''why should I lie?''
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| *Weyrt: Dude, this has to be one of Cydax's friends.
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| *Jimmy: It's Cydax.
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| *Brandon: I don't understand.
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| *'''''Chatter about Cydax'''''.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Funky: Callisto only sounds cool because he has background music.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends/Cydax/background music'''''.
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| *Funky: Callisto, turn off your background music.
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| *''No.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Brandon: The music or something is awesome, I don't know what else...
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| *Weyrt: Callisto would you suck dick for money?
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| *Funky says something about a gay anime but is not heard.
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| *[[Jimmy]]: Hi I'm Callisto! (imitating Callisto)
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| *[[I'm not Callisto|'''''I'm not Callisto. You're Callisto. But if you're Callisto, then who's this Callisto right here because I'm Callisto.''''']]
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Mike: What? Stop.
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| *Bryan says something random about Reddit AMAs.
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| *Funky: Either he types really fast, or he's a good voice actor.
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| *Weyrt: Or he has a voice changer, derp.
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| *Mike: That's not a voice changer; there's no way any voice changer could ever do that.
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| *Brandon: That has to be a voice changer.
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| *''This isn't a voice changer. I'm just as human as you are.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Funky: He's scaring me..
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| *Brandon: It has to be a voice changer.
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| *Funky: No no no, no it's not. Because people can talk like that in animes and stuff.
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| *Brandon: Nah, it's gotta-there's no way-it's too amazing.
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| *Funky says something about anime.
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| *''When people are scared, they cling to failure.''
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| *Bryan: What anime has the like, what anime has a person who is saying that Cydax is fabulous? Like really.
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| *Brandon: The voice is too amazing for me.
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| *''None, that's for sure''.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Weyrt: Callisto is talking.
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| *''Maybe I think you're using a voice changer.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Cydax types to Callisto: Callisto, I don't think that's your real name.
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| *''No, I'm pretty sure my name is Callisto.''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *''I'm Callisto.''
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| *Group laughs.
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| *[[Weyrt]]: Callisto, do you suck Cydax's dick for money?
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| *''What dick?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *Bryan: Callisto's scaring me.
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| *''You're welcome.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto will you make love to me?
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| *''No''.
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| *Unknown (multiple): Please?
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| *''No.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto, can I have your dick?
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| *Unknown: Why not?
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| *''Because.''
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| *'''''Random chatter'''''.
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| *Mike: Callisto, you're the meaning to my life.
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| *Unknown: Guys guys, we're starting a new religion. We are now worshiping Callisto.
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| *A few moments pass.
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| *''Something.''
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| *''Something.''
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| *''I guess this server can finally become the People's Republic of Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''All my plans are coming to fruition.''
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| *Unknown: Who says fruition?
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| *Unknown: The background music makes it so hard..
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| *Brandon: No, it makes me hard.
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| *Unknown: It makes you moist.
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| *Silence.
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| *Brandon: It's so moist.
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| *'''''Chatter about League of Legends'''''.
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| *t3sla: Are you using Microsoft Callisto?
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| *''It's not Microsoft Callisto, it's just Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: It's JESUS Callisto.
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| *''But, you aren't the first person to say I sound like Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: I'm sure if Jesus came down today, it would be in the manifestation of Callisto.
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| *''What's up bro?''
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| *Funky: Who left? Callisto?
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| *''No, it was Jimmy and t3sla.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *''I would know, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *Weyrt: It's gotta be Cydax.
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| *Mike: It is Cydax. You can see in the chat-oh, that's Callisto (shocked).
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| *''Im not Cydax, I'm Callisto.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have a question.
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| *Bryan: Ask the Callisto anything.
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| *''That's right, ask me anything.''
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| *Unknown: Callisto, will you tussle my hair?
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| *''No.''
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| *Mike: Callisto, I have two questions.
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| *''What are you two questions?''
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| *Mike: Will you go on a date with me, and why not?
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| *''No. Why?''
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| *'''''Chatter about recording'''''.
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| *Mike: Where did this guy find our channel?
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| *''I came here from the Public Server List.''
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| *Funky: Quickly ban him! He's a government spy!
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| *''No! Why?''
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| *Bryan: If you ban him, you'll get killed.
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| *Unknown: The New Republic of Callisto is rising. Beware.
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| *Bryan: Callisto, do you work like a crystal ball?
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| *''No.''
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| *Weyrt: I imagine Callisto looking like Wisp from DotA2.
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| *''Who?''
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| *Weyrt: Wisp.
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| *''Who?''
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| *Unknown: Are you a crystal ball Callisto?
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| *''Are you?''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Mike: I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL.
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| *''I don't have balls of steel.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Unknown: Callisto has balls of Callisto, let's be real here.
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| *''That's right, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *Intermission.
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| *''What's your question Cydax?''
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| *Cydax typing to Callisto: What is Callisto made of?
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| *''Callisto is made of Callisto, because I'm Callisto.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| *Bryan: Callisto, I'm the first Callistostarian priest!
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| *''That's neat.''
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| *Unknown: I'm the second.
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| *Funky: Hey Callisto, are you Coconut head?
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| *''Im sorry, what?''
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| *Funky: Yeah that's what I thought faggot, you don't watch Ned's Declassified, do you?
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| *Bryan: Who's Callisto reincarnation?
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| *''Jesus.''
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| *'''Group laughs.'''
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| == Main doctrine == | |
| The main doctrine of Callistostarianism describes a hierarchy of deities which includes '''giants''' (minor deities), '''supergiants''' (major deities), and indefinite higher beings. [[Callisto|Lord Callisto]] is one of the most recognized supergiants. '''Neptilian giants''' refer to a race of giants that come from the planet Neptile following the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. [[Gatzi Almighty]] is one of the most recognized Neptilian giants.
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| == Callisto doctrine ==
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| ''See [[Callisto]] for the full article.''
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| Callisto is a major deity, or '''supergiant''', in Callistostariamism. According to his ideals, he is so great that he is not only Callisto, but that he is ''made'' of Callisto.
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| According to His words, Callisto:
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| *is Callisto
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| *is made of Callisto
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| *has balls of Callisto
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| == Hueist-Kekist doctrine ==
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| Hueism-Kekism refer to loyalty to a tribe of '''Neptilian giants'''. Master & Challengers are tribes of Giants who are searching for their own answers to ''balance''. There is another tribe, the Developers, who are not typically associated with any side.
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| === The Incident ===
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| The Incident refers to the collision of Earth and Neptile (the home planet of the Neptilian giants), which ultimately wiped out most of the Neptilian giants, except for a few tribes (Masters, Challengers, Developers).
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| === The Masters ===
| | Callisto visited TeamSpeak servers such as '''[[Sapphire's TeamSpeak]]''' to spread his knowledge. He is usually found speaking with his majestic, angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning he can alternate voice pitch and background music. |
| The Masters are one of the tribes of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
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| ==== Gatzi Almighty ==== | | == Teachings of Callisto == |
| ''See [[Gatzi Almighty]] for the full article.''
| | The following are canonical records of the teachings of Callisto. |
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| [[Gatzi Almighty]], full name '''Gatzi Jhon Derek Gadzy Gatzbee James Gatz Jay Gatsby Bon Jovi Almighty''', also known as '''Gat Almighty''' or just '''Gat''', is the current leader of the Masters and a Neptilian giant. | | === [[Callistover]] 2013 === |
| | The Teachings of 2013 can be found within the [[Callisto Dialogues]]. |
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| ==== Høl ====
| | *Callisto is Callisto |
| The Masters punish people by ''smote-ing them ta høl!''. Høl is not the best place to be.
| | *Callisto is made of Callisto |
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| === The Challengers === | | === Callistover 2014 === |
| The Challengers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]].
| | In 2014, Callisto visited Sapphire's TeamSpeak once more in order to expand upon his Teachings. |
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| ==== Draven ==== | | ==== Biographical facts ==== |
| '''Draven''' is presumably one of the greatest Challenger warriors ever. The champion Draven in League of Legends was inspired by Draven himself. Some know him as the '''D-Stroyer'''. | | *Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music. |
| | *Callisto is Caucasian. His height is somewhere between 5'11 and 6'0. He was born in Washington state, lives in Kentucky and [was, at the time,] a senior in high school. He is also heterosexual. His name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione. |
| | *Callisto has encountered THC and does every [[Callistover]]. |
| | *Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting. |
| | *Callisto has this very page bookmarked. |
| | *Callisto (material) is stronger than steel. |
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| === The Developers === | | ==== Philosophical ideas ==== |
| The Developers are a tribe of Neptilian giants that survived the [[Callistostarianism#The Incident|Incident]]. Not much is known about the Developers per se, however, they have brought many great modern technologies into the world such as computers and the Internet. It is rumored that a Developer ''carries the weight of the Internet'' on his own two hands. The Developers are also the inventors of Blitzcrank and the [[International Blitzcrank Scoring System]].
| | *"Life has no answer. You have to find your own." |
| | *Callisto is highly aware of the faulty school system, especially in Kentucky. He states that mostly only farming occurs there. |
| | *"Implying implications." |
| | *"I don't really like Ventrilo or Mumble." |
| | *"Humility is not to be confused with truth." |
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| == Known Callistostarians == | | == Known followers == |
| *[[Bryan]] | | *'''[[Bryan]]''' - ''scribe'', ''apostle'' to the people of [[Sapphire]] |
| *[[t3sla]]
| | *'''The Messenger''' - ''mediator'' |
| *[[Mike]]
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| *[[Cydax]]
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| *[[Brandon]]
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| *[[Jeremy]] | |
| *[[Creasingwolf]]
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