Callistostarianism

Callistostarianism
The Circle, with many layers
Scripture	Callisto Dialogues
Geographical areas	Sapphire's TeamSpeak3
Founder	Callisto
Origin	April 20, 2013 Sapphire's TeamSpeak3
Ministers	Callistostarian Priests
Temples	Sapphire's TeamSpeak3
Holidays	Callistover

Callistostarianism is a religion, philosophy, and spirituality practiced in Sapphire, usually related to a collection of doctrines described over several holy scriptures and oral teachings. The scribes of these teachings are known as Callistostarian priests, one of the most active being Bryan. It is practiced by religious refugees in Sapphire and possibly many others that Callisto has visited.

Callisto, the person which most Callistostarian teachings are attributed to, visits TeamSpeak servers such as Sapphire's TeamSpeak3 and talks about Himself thus enlightening his audiences. He is usually found speaking with His Majestic, Angelic music in the background that may achieve different "ranges", meaning He can alternate voice pitch and background music.

Structure

Deity	Also known as
Callisto	Calypso
Gatzi Almighty	Gad, Gat
Gabe Newell	GabeN
Peecock

Teachings of Callisto

According to Callisto's 2013 Teachings

• Callisto is Callisto
• Callisto is made of Callisto
• Callisto has balls of Callisto

According to Callisto's 2014 Teachings

• Callisto can go to different "ranges" meaning He can change voice pitch and background music
• Callisto is stronger than steel
• Callisto has a 6 inch dick
• Callisto is an average Caucasian male
• Callisto's name is inspired by Baldassare Castiglione
• Callisto prefers Jews gassy over Cydax's undercooked (no offense)
• Callisto is between 5'11 and 6'0
• Callisto is heterosexual
• Callisto lives in Kentucky
• Callisto recommends asking a local black man if one is looking for drugs
• Callisto has encountered THC and does every Callistover
• Callisto can bench 120+ and 90-100 on incline; he enjoys weightlifting
• Callisto has this very page bookmarked

Callisto Dialogues (2013)

Italics represent Callisto's words accompanied by a glorious, soothing background music.

• I'm Callisto.
• The group laughs.
• I'm Callisto.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Callisto attempts to talk but is not heard.
• Bryan: Guys, Callisto is trying to say something.
• No I wasn't, don't mind me!.
• Group laughs.
• Unknown: I don't understand, who is that?
• I'm Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Funky: I am Callisto (imitating Callisto).
• Brandon: The fuck is Callisto supposed to-I don't understand.
• Mike: It's Callisto.
• Brandon: Who the fuck is Callisto?
• Weyrt: You don't need to understand.
• What is it?
• Unknown: There's nothing to understand, Callisto is god!
• Brandon: If I don't already know, I don't need to know?
• Mike: Callisto is Callisto.
• I'm Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Funky: That sounds like it's from an anime!
• You sound like you're from an anime.
• Brandon: Is it like one of those things where if you don't know, you don't need to know?
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Funky: That sounds like some gay anime like where everything is all peaceful.
• Unknown: Holy fucking shit!
• Cydax wants me to tell you how fabulous he is.
• Group laughs.
• to Cydax: why should I lie?
• Weyrt: Dude, this has to be one of Cydax's friends.
• Jimmy: It's Cydax.
• Brandon: I don't understand.
• Chatter about Cydax.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Funky: Callisto only sounds cool because he has background music.
• Chatter about League of Legends/Cydax/background music.
• Funky: Callisto, turn off your background music.
• No.
• Group laughs.
• Brandon: The music or something is awesome, I don't know what else...
• Weyrt: Callisto would you suck dick for money?
• Funky says something about a gay anime but is not heard.
• Jimmy: Hi I'm Callisto! (imitating Callisto)
• I'm not Callisto. You're Callisto. But if you're Callisto, then who's this Callisto right here because I'm Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Mike: What? Stop.
• Bryan says something random about Reddit AMAs.
• Funky: Either he types really fast, or he's a good voice actor.
• Weyrt: Or he has a voice changer, derp.
• Mike: That's not a voice changer; there's no way any voice changer could ever do that.
• Brandon: That has to be a voice changer.
• This isn't a voice changer. I'm just as human as you are.
• Group laughs.
• Funky: He's scaring me..
• Brandon: It has to be a voice changer.
• Funky: No no no, no it's not. Because people can talk like that in animes and stuff.
• Brandon: Nah, it's gotta-there's no way-it's too amazing.
• Funky says something about anime.
• When people are scared, they cling to failure.
• Bryan: What anime has the like, what anime has a person who is saying that Cydax is fabulous? Like really.
• Brandon: The voice is too amazing for me.
• None, that's for sure.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Weyrt: Callisto is talking.
• Maybe I think you're using a voice changer.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Cydax types to Callisto: Callisto, I don't think that's your real name.
• No, I'm pretty sure my name is Callisto.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• I'm Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Weyrt: Callisto, do you suck Cydax's dick for money?
• What dick?
• Group laughs.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• Bryan: Callisto's scaring me.
• You're welcome.
• Unknown: Callisto will you make love to me?
• No.
• Unknown (multiple): Please?
• No.
• Unknown: Callisto, can I have your dick?
• Unknown: Why not?
• Because.
• Random chatter.
• Mike: Callisto, you're the meaning to my life.
• Unknown: Guys guys, we're starting a new religion. We are now worshiping Callisto.
• A few moments pass.
• Something.
• Something.
• I guess this server can finally become the People's Republic of Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• All my plans are coming to fruition.
• Unknown: Who says fruition?
• Unknown: The background music makes it so hard..
• Brandon: No, it makes me hard.
• Unknown: It makes you moist.
• Silence.
• Brandon: It's so moist.
• Chatter about League of Legends.
• t3sla: Are you using Microsoft Callisto?
• It's not Microsoft Callisto, it's just Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Unknown: It's JESUS Callisto.
• But, you aren't the first person to say I sound like Jesus.
• Group laughs.
• Unknown: I'm sure if Jesus came down today, it would be in the manifestation of Callisto.
• What's up bro?
• Funky: Who left? Callisto?
• No, it was Jimmy and t3sla.
• Group laughs.
• I would know, because I'm Callisto.
• Weyrt: It's gotta be Cydax.
• Mike: It is Cydax. You can see in the chat-oh, that's Callisto (shocked).
• Im not Cydax, I'm Callisto.
• Mike: Callisto, I have a question.
• Bryan: Ask the Callisto anything.
• That's right, ask me anything.
• Unknown: Callisto, will you tussle my hair?
• No.
• Mike: Callisto, I have two questions.
• What are you two questions?
• Mike: Will you go on a date with me, and why not?
• No. Why?
• Chatter about recording.
• Mike: Where did this guy find our channel?
• I came here from the Public Server List.
• Funky: Quickly ban him! He's a government spy!
• No! Why?
• Bryan: If you ban him, you'll get killed.
• Unknown: The New Republic of Callisto is rising. Beware.
• Bryan: Callisto, do you work like a crystal ball?
• No.
• Weyrt: I imagine Callisto looking like Wisp from DotA2.
• Who?
• Weyrt: Wisp.
• Who?
• Unknown: Are you a crystal ball Callisto?
• Are you?
• Group laughs.
• Mike: I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL.
• I don't have balls of steel.
• Group laughs.
• Unknown: Callisto has balls of Callisto, let's be real here.
• That's right, because I'm Callisto.
• Intermission.
• What's your question Cydax?
• Cydax typing to Callisto: What is Callisto made of?
• Callisto is made of Callisto, because I'm Callisto.
• Group laughs.
• Bryan: Callisto, I'm the first Callistostarian priest!
• That's neat.
• Unknown: I'm the second.
• Funky: Hey Callisto, are you Coconut head?
• Im sorry, what?
• Funky: Yeah that's what I thought faggot, you don't watch Ned's Declassified, do you?
• Bryan: Who's Callisto reincarnation?
• Jesus.
• Group laughs.